Halloween

I hate Halloween!

I have been working really hard lately to not eat junk food and not over eat and now I have this huge bucket of candy just sitting on my kitchen table.  It is full of candy corn and butterfingers, and crunch bars, and laffy taffy.  Then I come to work and I am sitting at the desk doing my job and there it is again a bucket of candy just staring me in the face.  It looks soooooo good I have been here an hour and I have already had 3 pieces.  The costumes are cute and the activites are fun, but why can’t they pass out carrot sticks or celery?  I’m am on the struggle bus today that is for sure.

I have applied for several internships lately.  At Keeneland, Color Run, Walk in Love, and I’m trying to figure out how to apply at Tough Mudder.  I really need to find an internship.  My boss in admissions told me that if I didn’t find an internship that he would let me intern for them doing event planning, which is great, because I would be ok with working in admissions for the rest of my life.

I don’t know if I have announced this yet, but Derek and I broke up.  Friday I told him I wasn’t happy and that we needed to part ways.  I honestly thought he was going to cry.  It was rough but I’m glad I did it.  I am happier now that I don’t have to worry about pleasing him all the time.  It wasn’t a healthy relationship, but he wants to start over and go back to the talking stage.  Once again I am stuck in what I should do.  I am really bad a being mean and just telling him no I don’t want to, because I want to be friends with him.  However, I don’t want to get back with him.  He isn’t me.  He isn’t religous, he isn’t fratty, he isn’t invovlved, he isn’t outgoing, etc. and all the things he isn’t are things that are important to me.  I think I may just gradually seperate myself from him.  Hopefully, he will figure out that it isn’t worth it.  I’m not going to lie though I enjoy cuddling with him, its really nice.

There is a ton more stuff I could write about, but I need to be working.

Colonel Camp Love

No matter how big, bad, confident, excited, proud, or independent someone may be, everyone has at least a sliver of fear or discomfort about starting college. It’s a huge change in life. You’re out on your own, paving your own way, making your own decisions, fully accountable for yourself. But everyone had that one person who made them feel like they were at home. Who showed them that there was no…

thing to worry about and that college would be one of the greatest experiences of their lives. Who was not only a model figure, but a friend. And I know that for myself and so many others, that person was you. You helped me break out of a shell of insecurity and fear I had no idea even existed at the time. And I will always be thankful to you for that, just like I will always be honored to call myself your Colonel Camper and your friend.

This was the wall post I got from one of my Campers that I met the summer of 2011.  I have cried like a baby since I read it and I have never been so humbled in my entire life.  I needed this little note more than anything tonight.  I have been so stressed lately because so many things have not gone as planned and I still have no idea what to do with my life but this little note reminded me that I want to help people.  I want to help people for the rest of my life and I need to figure some way that I can do that.  Thank you O’mega for sending me this note. I love you!

Warrior Dash

I just realized that I never posted my Warrier Dash Photos from June! It was alot of fun!

Tough Mudder

I have done it! The unthinkable! I am running a tough mudder!! I signed up for it today and I am so excited, nervous and pumped!! This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done!

I am running it with some of my friends and possibly my boss! We are starting our training next week and I can’t wait. I know that I can do this and I need to do this for myself.

This week I have spent alot of time with Derek (its going alot better but I am still confused) and he told me that he saw Robert on the patio the other day.  I asked Derek why he was telling me this, because even though Derek knows the whole story I had no idea why he was bringing it up.  Derek told me that he overheard Robert talking to these two trashy girls about a girl that he was dating when he first came to EKU in August and how she had gained so much weight…

I know I am assuming and that he could have been talking about a number of girls, but it fits the time frame and I have seen him so much on campus lately.  I don’t know why I am letting it get to me because I have actually lost weight, but it does.  It bothers me and I’m going to do something about it.

I start my training Monday and I’m not stopping till I can run this 12 mile run! I will be a tough mudder!

Numb

That is how I feel lately.  I am so numb abou everything and I just don’t know what to do about it.

I’m numb about school.  I am so stuck with my major and what I want to do with life that I don’t know where to go next.  I feel like I have hit a dead end and I have no where else to turn.  I know what I want to do with life I just can’t get there.  I don’t like saying that I can’t get there.  I don’t like the word can’t, but right now I feel like I can’t.  I’m getting burnt out and I don’t know where my passion has gone.  The funny thing is all my time at college I have always said that Education and Teaching would always be my back up plan and I’m starting to think that maybe that is what I need to be doing.

I’m numb about my extracurriculars.  I am trying so hard to be awesome at everything.  I want my softball team, my sorority, my tours, my job, everything to be awesome and I feel like I am the only one trying.  I am busting my butt to keep everything afloat and I feel like I am alone here.  I raised $400 last week for my team of 11 players.  The other 10 players combined brought in $600.  Why don’t they want to try! My sorority sisters want to have chapter excellence this year, yet all they do is stupid crap like drink and make a fool out of themseleves.

I’m numb to Derek.  Why am I so unhappy with him.  I just don’t feel anything for him.  I want to but I don’t.  He told me he loved me and I couldn’t even say it back.  I still can’t.  This isn’t what I want.  I want to be excited to see my boyfriend and I’m not.  This isn’t the honeymoon phase I was picturing.  I love Derek, but I’m not in love with Derek, and there is nothing he has done that has made me feel this way.  Its just what I am feeling.

I need my faith more than anything right now.  I need someone else to tell me what to do, because I have no idea what to do. I’m stuck and I’m numb.

Life

 ..let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Hebrews 12:1 NLT

Let me tell you about my crazy week.

Sunday September 30th: I finished my weekend playing softball at Xavier.  We won all three games and I was so proud of my team!! I feels so great to have something you have worked so hard on come together and be successful.  We play Dayton in the next few weeks and they are pretty good so hopefully we can continue to work hard and win games.

Monday October 1st:  Well Derek asked me out again.  I told him yes this time.  So I am technically “in a relationship.” I’m not happy about it though.  Derek is a great guy and I love spending time with him, but everything is so physical all the time.  I don’t want physical I want to put the brakes on and slow the crap down. I have literally had to kick him out of my apartment because he doesn’t want to leave.  I just want some freedom and space with this relationship. I don’t want to be smothered all the time.  Is that to much to ask? Is that hypocritical?

Tuesday October 2nd: I had class. Yay… lol

Wednesday October 3rd: Everything hit the Fan.  I got an email from an upset player on Sunday after the games.  She wanted more playing time and was confused on why she hadn’t gotten it because she had worked harder than everyone else on the team.  I told her we would talk about this after practice and then it rained so we didn’t get to and she wanted and answer pronto so Tracy Sarah and I sat down composed an email that addressed her concerns and sent it to her.   We weren’t mean we just informed her that 11 other players also wanted more time and right now everyone was getting fair playing time based on several factors. She then replied that she was quitting and that we were horrible coaches and then blew up Facebook with tons of drama.  I emailed her back to make sure this is what she wanted and if it was to meet up to give her back her helmet and to get my uniform back and she agreed to meet me Thursday at practice with this email:

I’m not upset at all. Unlike you all, I’m 22 years old and have been out of high
school 4 years. The immaturity is something I left behind. When it keeps me from
being on the field, I def don’t have time for it. But I can certainly understand
why you all would be upset,  you just lost your  best outfielder

I was so frustrated at this point that I just went off.  I sent back a very inappropriate email that I regret and told her exactly what I thought. She then sent me a text message before practice on Wednesday telling me she would not meet me to get her helmet back at practice and wanted to meet me in private instead… Honey do I look stupid? I’m not meeting you in private so you can beat me up or yell at me.  I told her Thursday was all that worked for me and she replied saying that she was going to press charges if I didn’t return the helmet and if I didn’t stop texting her.  It was a great day to be the president.  I still haven’t set up a day to get my uniform back because every time I text her all i get is “Please stop harassing me.”

Thursday October 4th: I had classes all day got selected to run for Congress and left for Chicago.  It was lots of fun.

Friday October 5th: I arrived in Chicago late Thursday night got a hotel room and prepared myself for the interview with Red Frog Events the next day.  Mom and I did a little shopping in Chicago and explored a little.  Then it was game time.  I went to the Office and I fell in love almost instantly.  It is such a cool space!! Everything it so awesome and I just love it.  I think my interview went really well, but I am one of 2,000 applications.  I tried my hardest to WOW them, but I’m not sure if I did or not.  I find out in a week one way or another.  Fingers Crossed.

Saturday October 6th: I ran in the Cincinnati Color Run!!! It was so much fun and I ran the whole thing!!! I was so proud of myself my first complete 5k ever!  My tutu was awesome I was covered in paint and I had a blast! I am one step closer to become the 5k runner that I want to be.

Sunday October 7th: Today has been strange I have been doing alot of thinking and I’m not happy with the direction my life is headed.  Church this morning helped me to realize that I need to be merciful, and that I need to be happy with God’s compassion and I need to be patient.  That God is good and if I continue to glorify him everything will be ok.  Derek and I were supposed to go to church this morning together and he bailed on me.  It hurt.  I want a man who love Jesus Christ.  I want that Godly relationship.  I look at the relationships and the newlyweds at my church and that is what I want in a relationship.  I don’t have that with Derek.  I like Derek I do but I don’t think it is a romantic like.  I am just having a really hard time seeing this relationship going anywhere.  I just don’t want this relationship I don’t know why and I can’t explain my thought process I just don’t want it, and that sucks.

That is my week in a nut shell.  It feels seriously good to vent and just write it out.  I’m glad none of my friends except one know about this site so I can just escape everything and talk it out.

What Am I Doing?

I am so confused right now.  Since the last time I posted I have narrowed the men in my life down to one.  Derek.  He is super sweet and really cares for me, but I can’t help but think that I am settling here.  As bad and mean as it was I had fun dating all of those guys.  I got to go to several really cool events and hangout with some really cool people.  Not to mention everyday was something different.  I never knew what was happening next.

I’m going to try to sound as humble as possible when I say this but I bring alot to the table.  I am smart, funny, outgoing, athletic, pretty, involved, I mean honestly I am the total package there are very few things I don’t bring to the table.  I want a guy who brings something to the table or is just as involved as I am.  Most importantly I want a guy who is religious! Why is that so hard to find?  I want someone who will go to church with me who will learn the bible with me who will help me further my religious faith.  I want someone who will help me stay on track and who doesn’t constantly tempt me to do things that I don’t want or need to do.

I want to be in a realtionship but I don’t want to be single.  This is why I need to let go and let god.

Patience is a Mean Virtue

I told you guys in an earlier post all about my current love life and how it was non existent and how I was going to stop looking and let someone find me. How I was give it all to God to control and I have been praying about it a lot lately. Well God I believe likes to do some crazy stuff to me just for the fun of it. Since my last post just let me tell you what has happened and the shambles my love life is in.

Brady: he is absolutely adorable. Sweet as can be little country boy who drives a BIG truck and has the best country twang. He is a KA at EKU and a year younger then me. I met him at tailgate when one of my sisters introduced me to him. I knew that I instantly liked him because he let me drive his big lifted had to run and jump to get in truck. We had a fun time at tailgate I got his number and things escalated from there. Last Sunday after church he took me out to learn how to drive a stick shift in his 78 Camero. Yeah it was a good time. He was so nice and cute and shy. We talked about cars the whole time because I knew that was the topic he was the most comfortable with. Then. Started texting more and more and he finally invited me to be his date at the KA induction ceremony, which is this really cool ceremony for the new goats of KA and then all the men get down on bended knee and sing their rose song and present their date with a rose. It was adorable and fun then we headed to Hals on the River a local restaurant for dinner. Brady and me ended up sitting with some of my sisters and then he started to drink. First, 2 beers in the truck on the way up and then 2 pitchers of beer. Incase you don’t know what that means, it means Brady was drunk as a skunk after 10 beers and started to ignore me all night. Leaving me at the table alone and then me having to carry his drunken butt back to his vehicle. All while wearing a cocktail dress and heels, but I understood it was induction it’s ok to have a little fun and I bet he was nervous so I let it slide. I continued to talk to him and then he invited me to the KA bonfire last night, so I went. I took a car load of sisters and drove half way to Canada to get there but I went. He ignored me the whole time. Now I made a promise that I would be patient and not desperate and that is exactly what I did. I talked to other boys, my sisters, and classmates, I only talked to Brady when he talked to me. Then today at tailgating I was hanging with some of my sisters and told them I was going to go make my rounds at the KA tent to see Brady when they informed me he spent the whole night with another girl in the bed of his truck. Needless to say Brady isn’t in the picture anymore.

Nick: Nick Nick Nick. What to do with Nick. See we have this relationship that is full of frustration. Sexual frustration, mental frustration, every kind of frustration. I am head over heels for Nick but sadly Nick is only head over heels for my lady parts. He has asked me every night this week to come over and be friends with benefits, and I won’t lie I have considered it, but I can’t do it. I just wish he would see what is in front of him and how much of a good thing this could be, but he just got out of a long term relationship and he wants to be single. Boo.

Derek: Derek is a Sigma Nu. I went to a Sigma Nu party last weekend with my sisters when I started to dance with a boy in a mask. Then I started to make out with said boy in the mask. Then I finally got by with the mask’s number. We have hung out a ton over the week and it has been really great. He is in the national guard and he is really good at sports but there is just something about him. In all honesty I think this would be a great relationship he is mature and everything I want but for some reason I am not attracted to him in the relationship field. He hasn’t done anything wrong and he would treat me great but I just don’t have that feeling. Today he came over though and told me he loved me. I don’t know what to do about that. Wes: Wes is a guy that I work with. He is an SAE and he is awesome. He is so outgoing and so corny with his pick up lines. He is absolutely adorable and he is fun. He likes to be silly and doesn’t care what others think, and I think that is what drew me to him. We work together in the admissions office and I know that is bad but we are going to the cowboys and Indians party together on Tuesday. I’m not sure this is anything it probably isn’t, but he is to much fun not to figure out.

Zac: lastly there is Zac. He is also a Sigma Nu and is Derek’s “Big” Brother. Oops. I have talked to Zac before and we have always been friends and dating and friend and dating and now we are back to being friends. He is someone I talk to about everything honestly because he is a boy and he doesn’t judge and he gives good advice. Zac and I decided that we were going to be friends and that we weren’t going to date because he didn’t want anything serious and I did. Recently he has realized that this isn’t what he wants at all and I’m not going to lie that I’m a little hopeful that what he wants is me. I have no idea why I am drawn to this guy and why I find him so attractive but I do. I honestly think it is his maturity level. He is insanely smart and that is what I like the most. Yet I have no idea is he likes me, and I don’t want to screw up the friendship by forcing a relationship.

Like I said God loves to test me. He has thrown me all these boys at once and I have no idea what to do with them. I just want a mature serious relationship with an adult. I want to be out of the dating game and on to the next chapter in my life. I’m tired of stupid flings and horny boys. I want a serious fall in love with you and is serious man. I am ogling to remain as patient as possible, and hopefully God will quit with the jokes here pretty soon.

Hunter Hayes-Somebody’s Heartbreak <3

 

I love this song more than anything because it is my life.  I am stopping the search and going to let someone else search for me for a while.  Its hard but I’m going to be patient.